I'm really into asian looking animals
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
