I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
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I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
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You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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