Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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