be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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