He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Randomize
