Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
