I'm jealous of your bromance
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize
