Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
