Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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