hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
