dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
