Four minutes until I can fart!
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.