btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
