the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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