i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
