If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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