I hate your face
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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