Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
