How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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