My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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