living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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