I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
