On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
