I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
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