College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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