our cab driver is having phone sex.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
