Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
