dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
