i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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