FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
