I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
this hospital has no fireball
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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