i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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