she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
