I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
