haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I came so hard my ears popped.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
