Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
