he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
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I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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