I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
