I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
