Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
