Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
