Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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