he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I didn't notice because vodka
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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