I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
