why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
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