Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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