as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
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