no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
