Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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