Just mADE A PArabola og urine
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
FUCK WHALES
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