he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
