seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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