Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
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