I cannot find my penis.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
