I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
So squirting runs in the family.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
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