We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
