she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
