it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
