if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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