i wish starbucks made bloody marys
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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